I remember reading once that Lance Armstrong said that getting cancer could be one of the best things that every happened to him. When I first read that, even after reading his reasoning, I did not comprehend why he would think that. Now I completely get what he meant. It is one year today that I am a cancer survivor! It has been one very monumental year for me. I have had my share of trials and tribulations but I have come out the victor. When I think of where my life was at last year and where my life is at now, my eyes instantly moisten. Cancer truly does change ones life.I have learned what matters. It does not matter that dunkin donuts gave me a hot coffee when I asked fro an iced one. The fact that I am able to stand there on my own accord and receive the messed up order is what matters. I matter. Living matters. All the small stuff, does not matter.
I have learned what needs to come first. My job always came first. Not now. My health come first. My family comes first. My current job does not like that very much. Therefore I am looking for a new job. I refuse to upset my priorities again. Especially given the pain and suffering I went through to learn what they are.
Living life to the fullest. I have learned that today is a gift. Every day we are to wear out that gift. I do not live for tomorrow. I do not live thinking will there be a tomorrow either. I just live and enjoy living. I see each day as a blessing and I treasure things every day. I tell those I love that I love them.
Last year at this time I was highly emotional. I was scared of having surgery, unsure what was forthcoming, frustrated with the healing process. I was very scared of my incision opening... which I still check to make sure it hasn't after doing something strenuous! I was mad. Mad at the fact that my body turned on me. Mad that I had opportunities taken away from me before I could gain from them. While I seen everything then as losing so much, I know see that I have gained twice as much. I gained three things I did not have before: Strength, Courage, Confidence.
I chose to stare Cancer in the face and I WON. That is a huge victory. I found strength that I did not know existed within me. That was the biggest and scariest thing I have ever come up against. If I can beat cancer, I can beat any little obstacle that comes in my path. I dug deep and I found courage that I never knew I had. I had to do things that I did not want to do. Two hours after my surgery I had to walk the length of the hall. That took courage. I had to ask people for help and let them help me. That is something I did not want to have to do. It took courage to lower my guard and accept help. My confidence is a work in progress but I have more confidence now then I did have. I am learning to accept myself in my new body. My body is still mis-shaped from my surgery. My surgeon said that it had to do with taking out the intestines and pushing things around. Pretty much, where things are now are where things will stay. That leaves me with a bulge on my right side. I do not like that and I am somewhat conscious of it when I decide what to wear. I am working on not focusing so much on it. I am learning to manage the hot flashes. I am enjoying not having the cramps and the pains I was enduring. I am definitely enjoying not being the reason that Stayfree's stock on Wall St. was so rapidly climbing! LOL
When I look back at where I was, I can truly see how far I have come! Fran Drescher told me in an email that things take time and that the amount of time to fully recover and feel like yourself was different for everyone. It was odd as I read her book on her uterine cancer experience about 4 times last summer. Reading her experience in a lot of ways was like reading my own and I knew it took her close to a year. I was focusing on hitting that mark myself. She said not to focus on how far you may think you have to go still and not to think about what may be ahead, to just focus on the now. (Same thing my Dad told me last June by the way!) I stopped thinking about the time factor and just let things take their course. Truth be told, until I sat down to write this blog I had not realized it had been about 3 months now that I have truly been pain free and considering myself as fully recovered. Yes I still have to endure exams every 6 months for the next 5 years but as my oncologist told me a few weeks ago, 1 down.... 9 to go!
Travel.. Went to Odgen
