Torn

As some know, I have been having problems with my place of employment. Since returning after my surgery things have changed. I do not know to be truthful if the principles of the agency have changed or if it is my perception that has shifted. When I was sick, I went to work everyday up to my surgery. I even scheduled my doctor appointments around the needs of my workplace. I put in many many hours the entire time I have been employed there. I put myself, my family second to my job. When I was off recovering from my surgery, I finally was able to put myself first and I promised myself I would I could to keep my priorities in order.

The entire time I was off work, my superiors did not call or inquire on my health status once. I called them periodically to keep them updated. Every time, I recieved their voicemails and left messages that went unreturned. Upon my return to work, I was placed by my Dr on restrictions. Restrictions that I was told would be upheld. They were to be in place for 1 1/2 months. My boss uphelp them for about 2 weeks. I was not really in a position to force them to be upheld either. I reluctantly went back to work with the restrictions in the first place because I was told if I did not return my job was in seriuos jeporday as I had been off for 9 weeks. I have worked at the agency for over 9 years but they said my loyalty and longevity meant nothing in regards to me holding on to my job if I did not return to work after the 9 weeks.

My first week back, my boss had me working 10 hour shifts. I came home every week and literally crashed. I told him it was hard to do. As a result, I worked 12 and 14 hour shifts. I complained about work conditions I worked under. My peers making my shifts hard for me, bordline harrassing me. The way that was resolved was the same peer blocked me in the office telling me what was thought about my complaints and asking me how I dare to make them. I was informed of how dismissed my actions were. I again made a complaint, I again got nowhere. The more I complained, the worse the working conditions became. I asked for a job transfer and was granted one. I can begin at that different location sometime next spring.

Since going back, I see things differently. I think that in some ways my thoughts quickly became those of "they have not been too loyal to me, why should I be to them?" This being said, I decided to find a new job elsewhere. I needed to do what was best for me. I need to find a way to remove myself from the stressors of my job.

This leads me to my conflict. I like my job. No I LOVE my job. I do not want to leave it. I have worked with developmentally disabled adults for the last 9 1/2 years. It is such a rewarding job for me. I know that I do not have an easy job. I am in the position of being hit, kicked, spit at, called some very choice names, and being pulled in many different directions at the same time. But I also am in the position to make some very postive influences on people who need me. I leave work drained at every level : emotionally, phsyically, mentally. But I go back every day because I love the people who I take care of. I would not have lasted there as long as I have if I had not truly connected with those I serve. When I hear from them how glad they are that they have me with them, it makes my day. I see myself as their voices, their advocates, their friend. I do not want to leave that. They have special needs. They do not mean what they say or do. I understand that.

My peers however, is another story.

So this leaves me torn. What do I do? I have been plugging through times by keeping myself reminded of the real reasons that I am there. But the work conditions I am subjected to are starting to really take a toll on me. Is it best to stay? Or is it best to leave? The residents enjoy having me there. I enjioy being there with them. Is it fair to them to leave when it is only those above me who make me want to leave?